all those little thoughts...

The mind is such an interesting thing. On ALL the time. Wandering from one idea to another. One plan to another. One worry to another... Constant in its movements. Never letting up.

It is such a powerful part of us, created to be such an integral part of our decision-making and daily life. Providing a space for emotions and intelligence and choice and common sense (sometimes) and dreams and fears and physical promptings.

My plea of late has been for a higher perspective--past simply what I have always known/accepted due to culture and towards a further understanding of what living this faith actually means. Unfortunately, this has forced me to look inward and honestly evaluate my current state--a humbling picture, no doubt.

In doing this, I have been completely unable to shake this particular truth:

The fears that I so desire to war against are finding their home in my mind, my thought life, and my everyday meditations. And I am ALLOWING them to reside there. 

Seems a little obvious, but knowing this has provided me a beginning in this battle. A starting point. And that, my friends, is a good thing.

I am allowing these fears and thoughts to creep in.To invade the places I hold most dear. To convince me that the most improbable things ARE going to happen. To direct me to worry and pine and waste time which could be spent living. Really living. And you know what? I believe it. Time and time again. I give in and accept those fears as truth. As real. As inescapable. Sometimes without even realizing what is truly taking place.

Ok, now for the hard part...

If I am honest (deep breath), I see that part of the issue lies in what it is that I "hold most dear". The things I cling to and am desperate for and refuse to relinquish. The people and things that I have given a wrongful throne of importance in my life. The idea that if I were to lose these things life would be for not. This is a problem, y'all, and I am thinking I am probably not the only one with it.

If I am even more honest (double deep breath), I see that these thoughts that I grant precious space are shoving out opportunity for confidence in this faith that I claim. And by faith I am not speaking of the "if I have faith I will be protected from all harm" kind of faith. I am speaking to the kind of faith that trusts that NO MATTER WHAT comes my way, no matter what this life looks like, my God is good. And is enough. To cover all my fear and anxiety. AND to use little ole scaredy-cat me for His purposes. Can I just take a second to tell you, there is nothing that will expose that His purposes are greater than ours like asking for a higher perspective. Even just a tiny piece of His perspective makes this all too evident.

It's quite amusing that I still catch myself trying to find peace within myself (or others) when presented with the slightest ounce of fear or unrest, when I am fully aware it won't work. Not for long anyway. I am sure this life will be filled with much humility as I continue to realize that His peace is far better any I can attempt to offer myself. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. 

So this week (and for many weeks after I am sure), my prayer is for recognition and awareness of the fear creeping in and making a home in my thoughts. That a spotlight may be cast on fear (or any impurity) as soon as it begins to weasel its way in. That I might find confidence to take captive those thoughts and lay them at the feet of my gracious Father and find freedom in Him. I have a feeling I will be finding myself there often. 

from fear to freedom

Hello, my name is Lindsey Rochelle Crumby and I am a person who lives in fear.

There it is. I admit it.

From thoughts of everyone I love dying in car crashes every time they get behind the wheel to a fear of being eaten by a shark while scuba diving (Shark Week is most certainly not helpful in this) to the fear that every twitch or pain equals something webMD would point to as cancer to being exposed for all of my faults and failures (on something like this, for example).

It is a constant in my life. It is something I have let reign for far too long. It is faithless and irrational and embarrassing and paralyzing. But it is there. Everyday. All day.

The Lord has been gracious in allowing me to fall before him time and time again begging forgiveness for my unbelief. My unbelief that He is good. No matter what. (Even if I get eaten by a shark one day when I finally give in to scuba diving with my husband.)

So you are now in on the scoop. I am fearful and anxious and scared out of my mind about things that will most likely never ever happen. This is good. I need to you to see it. To see me for who I am and where I have been.

I have thought about writing this blog for years. In fact, I have started a few times to put pen to paper on this very site. But that means being exposed. And that, my friend, is scarier than any shark.

But this is the time for freedom. This is the time that I allow myself to live abundantly outside of fear. This is the time where I jump with boldness trusting that the Lord is good. No matter what. This is where I love without fear of loss, allow vulnerability and transparency without fear of being rejected, try new things without fear of the worst-case happening.

This is my war against the what-ifs because I am a what-if person. To my very core.

Typing this very post brings some anxiety with it. What if people think I am just striving to be a part of the blog trend and gain some attention for myself? What if I am not skilled enough in writing to communicate my thoughts? What if I just sound stupid and silly?

What if...what if...what if...

So here it is. My blog about breaking free. Choosing confidence in the One who has given me life OVER my anxiety of what this world could bring against me and those I love.

More than anything, I simply hope to document opportunities to live. Free of fear. So that one day I can look back and see time and time again the goodness of God.