dear change, who invited you?

Is it just me, or does time alone in the car provide for awakened perspective?

Confession: I am a car talker.

I talk to myself. I talk to God. I talk to imaginary people whom I need to have hard or important conversation with (because let's be honest...practicing hard conversation makes the actual conversation much easier). I use time in the car to dig into the depths of my heart and evaluate the reality of my current state. 

And I probably look like a fool to anyone driving around me. 

So, yesterday as I drove to a sweet friend's home, I worked my way through all the change currently surrounding me. And there is a lot. 

From:

friends moving out of state (and those who already have) 

to new babies promising to make their arrival in the fall 

to friends moving into their first home 

to job change that seemingly lurks around the bend 

And it is all good. But it is all change.

And I am not sentimental. Or at least in the way of things. 

But memories. That is another story. Memories are something I hold close and pray I never lose.

And so I have been letting memories wash over me and remind me of the vast and unmistakable goodness of God. That He truly has guided my steps. Toward people and circumstance to love and laugh and welcome and mourn and learn and a million other things. I am reminded that seasons, however long, are given with purpose. And boy is this current season changin'.

So with all my might, I am clinging to memories. Not because I wish they would always be and never change. But because I don't dare forget where the Lord has been and how He has moved. 

And honestly, that, in itself, is evidence of the work the Lord is doing today in the midst of my struggle. My fear. My doubt. Because change is becoming way less scary and far more beautiful (and exciting). And that, dear friends, is only because of the confidence that comes with seeing how the Lord has "established my steps" through each season of life. That His hand is present. And His hand is good.

I have started praying through a collection of Puritan prayers from a book called The Valley of the Vision. This one seems fitting this week. Pray with me?

Kept by God

Jehovah God, 

Thou creator, upholder, proprietor of all things,

I cannot escape from thy presence or control,

nor do I desire to do so.

My privilege is to be under the agency of omnipotence,

righteousness, wisdom, patience, mercy, grace.

Thou art love with more than parental affection;

I admire thy heart, adore thy wisdom,

stand in awe of thy power, abase myself before thy purity.

It is the discovery of thy goodness alone that can

banish my fear,

allure me into thy presence,

help me to bewail and confess my sins.

When I review my past guilt

and am conscious of my present unworthiness

I tremble to come to thee,

I whose foundation is in the dust,

I who have condemned thy goodness,

defied thy power,

trampled upon thy love,

rendered myself worthy of eternal death.

But my recovery cannot spring from any cause in me,

I can destroy but cannot save myself.

Yet thou hast laid help on One that is mighty,

for there is mercy with thee,

and exceeding riches in thy kindness through Jesus.

May I always feel my need of him.

Let thy restored joy be my strength;

May it keep me from lusting after the world,

bear up heart and mind in loss of comforts,

enliven me in the valley of death,

work in me the image of the heavenly,

and give me to enjoy the first fruits of spirituality,

such as angels and departed saints know.

Update #1

I feel as though documenting life from year to year as a timeline of sorts detailing our family's movements and choices and the Lord's victories will prove incredibly sweet. So, I hope to be better about setting aside time each week to write a recap (mainly for us and future remembrance of where we have been) alongside the more revealing and raw posts I have done thus far, those where my heart is "on the line"-quite literally-and vulnerability is the name of the game.

Not the most interesting for anyone else, but pictures and memories for us. And that is good.

So, update #1 goes a little like this...

BUILDING IN TIME

These days are a whirlwind of school, work, meetings, bible studies, hangouts, and all around busyness. A part of me hates that. Hates even making that list. Hates that we have scrounge up quality time for each other. And family. And for rest. And if I am being honest, time for the Lord. I keep telling myself this is a season. A season where we are both in school and working full-time and trying to stay connected at church and to friends and all the people we love and trying to maintain a house and not be "those neighbors" and trying to build quality relationships and trying to stay grounded in the faith and trying to serve where we can and the list goes on.

but

In all the busyness there is one thing we have held dear. Time together. Date nights out of the house. Filled to the brim with deeper (sometimes hard) conversation, exposing dreams, plenty of laughter (thanks to the hilarious Stevie), making of plans, re-discussing the budget (this seems to happen a lot), and just sweet time. I am beyond thankful that almost 5 years (really more like 10) in that we still enjoy being with each other. That we don't need other people around to have fun or find comfort. That it isn't awkward or bland. Seriously, what a blessing.

Sweet double date at Dave and Busters

Valentines date with the hubs
He planned the whole thing and it was so special

Date night at Velvet Taco in FW

FRIENDSHIP:

If there is anything I LOVE about this stage of life, it is time with friends. And what sweet friendships we have. I have felt burdened here of late with the purpose of true community (longer post to come) and I am thankful for a group of people to live the real life everyday happenings alongside.

First Ranger's game of the season!

Pals for life

Sweet Miriam is getting married

SWEET WALDOBEAR:

Oh, my heart. Sweet fluffy ball of destruction cuddle. He is almost two, y'all. And I know. I know. I am not supposed to compare him to having a child. I get it. BUT he is the closest thing I have to one currently. So, as a momma to a sweet, stubborn, feisty, chew on my shoes to get my attention, wants to play ALL THE TIME, cuddly beyond belief, happy to see me everyday when I get home, make my heart melt with his eyes pup, I must say...parenting is hard. And awesome. And the Lord has softened my heart through this sweet little creature to a little bit of mothering spirit that I wasn't sure was there. Weird how much we love that guy. And I am thankful. And tired (and excited) already for actual parenting to come. (That was not an announcement. Do not ask me when I am going to bear children. It ain't now. *said in the sweetest of voices*)

SCHOOL, SCHOOL, AND MORE SCHOOL:

Can I just say that I never in my post-college life--a whopping 6 years--would have EVER thought I would be back in school. Doing homework. Taking quizzes. Working on group projects. Preparing to take yet another certification exam and walk another graduation stage. But here I am almost a full year in. Here we are. In school. And LOVING it.

Turns out we love to learn. It's so weird. And quite encouraging that both Steve and I are not just showing up (well, not me so much as my program is online), but are actually enjoying what we study. Praise God for plans we could have NEVER foreseen, but in which we find pleasure and confidence and excitement for what is to come.

I will say the time commitment of school is becoming a little wearing (mostly the time Steve is away from home--as school is 45 minutes away--or studying for classes or meeting with his groups and on and on), but frustration seems to turn to overwhelming thankfulness when I think of how far we have come from the beginning of this process 4 years ago. The faithfulness of the Lord is astounding. I am so surprised by it each time, which is such a portrait of my weakness and humanity because I know in my depths that His promises are true. So, I will remind myself this day to soak in this time of growth and reliance on the Lord's hand in our current careers and those to come. May He be glorified in this journey.

CHANGE OF HEART:

Oh, the goodness of the Lord to gift men and women to study the Word and shed light and a different perspective for others to read. Some of the studies and books I have read since the beginning of this year have wrecked me in the most welcome and beautiful of ways.

Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess

by: Jen Hatmaker

This study has been more than interesting in that it is IN YOUR FACE and completely counter-cultural and a wee bit controversial (or so I have been told). Time and time again in this study, I have not been able to escape the change in perspective toward everyday living and the people of the world I continue to be pushed toward. Almost a complete shift. This study lit a fire. A fire I had never even considered. A fire for people and simplicity and a higher perspective in the everyday and a change in priority and a wrecking of habits-bad ones, pointless ones, and beyond. And I LOVED it. And I NEEDED it.

Now, I know not everyone has loved it or even agrees with her choice of words and "fasts". And that is ok. Because honestly, in the end it wasn't about Jen Hatmaker or her in-your-face approach (although I personally think our culture of Christ followers need a little of that). It was about generosity. And paring down what distracts for that which serves the purposes of God. And being a part of building THE Kingdom instead of my own. And seeking out opportunity to serve. And gosh, I am excited for all of it! For a renewing of priority and a fire to walk in purpose.

These daily studies have been sweet. I must say I was doubtful when I found them, but was looking for a study through Lent and found depth and challenge from both of these. These resources are completely free and easier than easy to use. If you are needing something to challenge and encourage you daily, try it out. I love that women across the nation are studying together and encouraging one another to "live a life worthy of the calling we have received".

HOME IS WHERE THE WORK IS:

Here is a simple equation I now understand after 4 years of home ownership:

more events hosted at your home = only way home renovations and projects are accomplished  

Easy enough, right? Not really, but events at our house have accounted for almost every project completed thus far. I guess some people are more on top of it than us and use their weekends and evenings to actually be productive around the house, but that doesn't seem to happen at 3252 Serpis. We enjoy relaxing a wee bit more than manual labor, so being bums is typically what we choose. 

All that said, 4 years into living at our house and many many pinned pictures and blog posts displaying my dream rooms on Pinterest, I am beginning to finally understand that it is ok that our house is not finished. Not even close. Furniture still needs to be bought. Walls are still without the perfect piece or color. A kitchen which screams that it does not come close to the dream. An upstairs which acts as a storage unit of sorts instead of rooms of purpose or meaning.

One perspective shift from Seven of which I am clinging is what a home can be. Not a place to simply display the ability to decorate or spend money or show off our aptitude for Pinterest or creativity, but a place which when opened out of love for Christ can be something quite powerful. A place of kindness for family and neighbors and spare bedrooms for those without one and acceptance for all and deep conversations about life and struggle and open arms and generosity and laughter. What a warm place a home can be. What a blessing it can be for home owner and guest  friend alike to experience this kind of home. A Jesus home. 

So, that is becoming my aim. Less of me and more of Christ's hospitality in my home. Less anxiety about everything being just so, so people can extol my abilities, and more of Christ's love for people. Less of my desire to spend spend spend and fill fill fill and more of Christ's generosity to give and bless and give some more. Opportunity is quite literally residing on my couch, in my kitchen, and at my dining room table. My prayer is that we would grab hold and hang on and not miss out on the blessing of having a home.

THE FRESH 20 AND OTHER FOOD NEWS:

Is buying wholesome food frustrating to anyone else? No? Just me? Well, I am trying, y'all. I really am. I desire for our family to choose things which nourish and sustain our bodies in order to live the lives set before us. I have watched documentaries and attempted to research and chosen ingredients with the greatest of care at the market. BUT it is difficult (and expensive). Because it is different from all that I have known. AND THERE IS SO MUCH INFORMATION OUT THERE. No one agrees on what is best. One person says one choice of diet is the best and someone else completely contradicts it. And they BOTH have research to back it up.

I ain't smart enough for this (says the English teacher).

So.

My recent decision was to not remain in frustration and accomplish nothing for my family's health, but to do what I can. To buy what I know to be nutrient-rich and to make the best choices I can when it comes to food.

First Fresh 20 Meal: Roasted chicken sausage with
parsnips (my new fav), onions, and bell peppers
and seasoned green beans (for Steve)

And along came The Fresh 20. Nothing special. No anxiety because of complex recipes or ingredients. Just a weekly meal plan comprised of 20 whole ingredients that I actually know the name of.

There it is. The best I can do. And honestly, it has been pretty enjoyable. And EASY. It even comes with a weekly shopping list, prep guide, and estimated cost. Doesn't get better than that.

And last, but most certainly not least...
THE BATTLE:

Yippee! Time to be a bit nerdy. I was invited by my school's librarian (and mentor for my master's program) to attend our district's Battle of the Books this year. Sounds intense right? It SO was!!

We took 5 students (3 of which were mine!) to compete in a competition where they answered questions about 10 books designated by the district, which they read in advance. The students sat in tables and would decide (in the quietest voices I have ever heard in a competition) which of the ten books were the answer to each question before their time ran out. There were multiple rounds. And strategizing. And even tie breakers.

It was wonderful. Critical thinking and debating at its best. Oh, my teacher/librarian heart was so full.