Living today.

I have written about change before. I have dug deep into my soil and rifled through the dirt with urgent hands, finding myself dried out and cracked by some of the slightest shifts in the ground.

I get it. I'm not one for change. It could be said for most. I know I am not alone.

But this week I have started to dig yet again, searching for the state of my heart's soil. Because I feel myself slipping. Moving towards that unsteady place where my mind reels with what "could be" and not what is. Allowing all things to shift before they actually do. Giving in to what I tell myself will happen instead of simply living.

And with soil stained fingers, I have decided to stop the excavation.

To cease foraging for and believing the "what if's".

Because I have noticed myself cowering under the covers, straining to see through the holes and gaps for the monsters of the unknown. Praying and wishing for the light of morning to make its way in this season, so the monsters can crawl back to their hidden homes of night.

And in all that wasted effort, I am missing big things.

The right now. This job. These people. This house. These neighbors. The numbered breaths of today.

I have seen hurt this week. Pain and change and tragedy and chaos. Not really even in my own life. Not at least in large, life-altering ways. I have seen it from a somewhat safe and removed position. Even so, it has shaken me. It has opened these eyes to what I miss in my "what if's". In my "could be's".

And honestly it has left me changed. It has changed this season of "not sure's" to a season of "where can I invest?". Right now. Right here. In this season. In this unknown.

The first handful of Psalms have been close at hand this week. There are so many that regard God as a safe place. A refuge from the chaos. A shield. A fortress. Deliverance. Eternal protection from all that can't last.

And there has been this quick (and I am sure quite shallow) understanding of the bigger picture of seasons. A kind of a life-altering, perspective-shifting understanding. A transforming truth, no doubt.

That in the chaos. In the change. In the unknown. When the monsters lurk outside my covers and the ground beneath me shifts. In this particular season and every season to come.

There is investment to be made.

That as I allow the Lord's protection to cover me rather than my fear and "what if's", there is still life in the now. There are people and places and needs to be dealt with in kindness and grace.

It isn't later. It isn't when things settle. When things are right. When they are as they should be. Just like they look in my scattered, wandering brain.

It is now. It is here. It is with this breath. On this shaking and shifting ground.

And to miss that. Is to miss this giant part of life. It is to miss the Lord's kindness in giving this particular time.

And I am surely thankful for this change in vision. For this guidance as to how to live in the "in between".  In this season. With these people. In this house. As someone who refuses to miss the now.

I may need a reminding every once in a while, but He is faithful and His proddings are sure.

Today I am trusting that this time is for His purposes and that I am a tiny part of that. I pray that I can invest well. Right where I am.

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Well, hello there 2015.

Well, hello there 2015.

You have arrived at our doorstep with suitcases filled with possibility. And although you bring with you much uncertainty and transition, as most new years do, and even though I am a bit sad to bid adieu to 2014, I have decided to greet you with a firm handshake and eyes opened wide. 

These past few weeks have been a cloudy whirl of celebration and transition so I have hardly had time to ponder your arrival. My focus has been on the ending of a major moment. A moving forward moment. A chance to look backward and recognize the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in all seasons moment. And it has been sweet. And the celebrations have been full. Community has surrounded this moment and inflated the space with kindness and excitement, balloons and cake, cuff links and celebratory meals. And it has all been felt. Stored away in our minds for later remembrance. Later encouragement. Later courage. 

But in that moment, in that closing of a giant chapter and year, I forgot all about your coming. I forgot to prepare myself for all that you bring with you. For all that I am unsure of because of you. 

You see 2015, 2014 brought much in the way of life.

It brought hard work and lots of it. It brought much opportunity for perseverance. More than usual, in fact. It brought the largest chunk of two masters degrees. It brought the highest delights in community and family as babies were both announced and welcomed. It brought a banding together when things were completely outside our control. It brought an avenue for putting life on paper. It brought the continued reminder that this season of life is strange and at times quite painful as real jobs and real opportunity take friends and family elsewhere. It brought celebration of marriage milestones (5 whole years). It brought the beach and the big city and the opportunity to breathe deep. It brought the recognition that things change. That nothing outside the Lord can hold up. That clinging to what is "mine" or "ours" is for not. 

It has been a year of letting go. Of stuff desperately clung to. Of plans seemingly etched in stone. Of fear and its chains. But most importantly of control. 

And it has been good. So completely hard and good. 

And somehow after learning what I have learned, it is still a tad bit scary to let go of 2014 and allow you to fully take your place. Because there is no telling what you will bring with you, 2015. There is no telling where you will leave us in just a year's time. 

But I already told you I would greet you with joy and so I will. I already informed you that I have learned that the letting go of what is known is at times what makes all the difference. So I will, And I am. 

I want to beg you to be gentle, 2015. I yearn to make that request with enthusiasm and know with assurance that it will be so.

But I won't. Because I know that the hard brings good. It provides the most opportunity to cling to what is True. 

So 2015, bring what you may. The good with the hard. Bring it all. I greet you with joy today.

And I'm only a tiny bit late.

Oh and 2015, as silly as they may be... here is a list of want to's this year. It would be nice if I could accomplish some this year. Or at least dream of doing so. Either way, they are fun to write down and while they are nowhere near unique, I feel they expose a little bit of who I am becoming from year to year.