Living today.

I have written about change before. I have dug deep into my soil and rifled through the dirt with urgent hands, finding myself dried out and cracked by some of the slightest shifts in the ground.

I get it. I'm not one for change. It could be said for most. I know I am not alone.

But this week I have started to dig yet again, searching for the state of my heart's soil. Because I feel myself slipping. Moving towards that unsteady place where my mind reels with what "could be" and not what is. Allowing all things to shift before they actually do. Giving in to what I tell myself will happen instead of simply living.

And with soil stained fingers, I have decided to stop the excavation.

To cease foraging for and believing the "what if's".

Because I have noticed myself cowering under the covers, straining to see through the holes and gaps for the monsters of the unknown. Praying and wishing for the light of morning to make its way in this season, so the monsters can crawl back to their hidden homes of night.

And in all that wasted effort, I am missing big things.

The right now. This job. These people. This house. These neighbors. The numbered breaths of today.

I have seen hurt this week. Pain and change and tragedy and chaos. Not really even in my own life. Not at least in large, life-altering ways. I have seen it from a somewhat safe and removed position. Even so, it has shaken me. It has opened these eyes to what I miss in my "what if's". In my "could be's".

And honestly it has left me changed. It has changed this season of "not sure's" to a season of "where can I invest?". Right now. Right here. In this season. In this unknown.

The first handful of Psalms have been close at hand this week. There are so many that regard God as a safe place. A refuge from the chaos. A shield. A fortress. Deliverance. Eternal protection from all that can't last.

And there has been this quick (and I am sure quite shallow) understanding of the bigger picture of seasons. A kind of a life-altering, perspective-shifting understanding. A transforming truth, no doubt.

That in the chaos. In the change. In the unknown. When the monsters lurk outside my covers and the ground beneath me shifts. In this particular season and every season to come.

There is investment to be made.

That as I allow the Lord's protection to cover me rather than my fear and "what if's", there is still life in the now. There are people and places and needs to be dealt with in kindness and grace.

It isn't later. It isn't when things settle. When things are right. When they are as they should be. Just like they look in my scattered, wandering brain.

It is now. It is here. It is with this breath. On this shaking and shifting ground.

And to miss that. Is to miss this giant part of life. It is to miss the Lord's kindness in giving this particular time.

And I am surely thankful for this change in vision. For this guidance as to how to live in the "in between".  In this season. With these people. In this house. As someone who refuses to miss the now.

I may need a reminding every once in a while, but He is faithful and His proddings are sure.

Today I am trusting that this time is for His purposes and that I am a tiny part of that. I pray that I can invest well. Right where I am.

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