Just breathe

This is me coming up for a big, deep, calming breath of air. The kind that fills your chest so full it just might explode. And it feels so good. And so desperately needed.

It feels like it's been an eternity since I have breathed this deeply, yet I know it most certainly has not.

And quite honestly, as I take this breath and ponder its need (why it feels so good; why I have been desperate for it for weeks; why tears come too quickly if I think to far into life at this particular moment.), I am embarrassed.

Because my stuff is not big. In fact, it seems really silly and insignificant in the light of so much heartache and tragedy experienced by others. The real stuff.

I am embarrassed that my stuff, small and seemingly unimportant, trips me up so much. Makes me gasp for air and plead for an end to this season.

I am embarrassed that I am not strong enough for the small things. School, due dates, transitions in community and friendships and possible homes. It's not heartbreak. It's small.

But in this breath there is also truth. Because even though my stuff is small, it is real. And it is known. By the God of the Universe. Creator of every good thing. And although I am sure I look like a total mess to Him, falling short everyday because of fear and worry and stress and attempts to control it all myself, He is more than able to cover my small stuff.

And to believe it is too small to approach the throne, is a lie. A lie too easily bought into. A lie which serves only to increase my burden and embarrassment.

And so this breath seems to be serving not simply as a pause in the midst of a stressful season, although for that I am thankful. It is not simply a moment to escape the fear of getting it all done or of approaching the unknown.

This breath is a reminder of a God who cares about my small stuff. Who covers fear and provides enough for each day. Each moment. Each breath. Far better than what I have been living.

So, I am going to do just that. Breathe. In and out. Time and again. And remember the vast and unfailing and beautiful and full love of God. Even in the midst of my stuff, small and all. And let it be enough for this day.