words of life

nagging: to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

And so it is.

My first inclination in a moment of discord or division.

To nag. To wear my opponent out with my reasoning.

And can I confess how absolutely positively excellent at it I am. I have honed this particular skill. Dedicated precious time into forming my all-too-important speech into a sharp and piercing and altogether aggravating weapon.

And sadly, despite (almost) 5 years of marriage to my very best friend and God-given boo, he is the recipient of such a gift. Quite often, if I am being honest. As if I am his parent instead of his partner.

And I know that I do it. And I hate that I do it.

But time and time again, it is my go-to for resolving whatever difference of opinion or idea we are having. I nag. Until (usually) he goes quiet and raises the white flag and gives in to my way.

And it isn't fair. And it isn't love. And it is most certainly not a godly portrait of a wife.

But it is real. It is there. And it is something I am warring to relinquish. Every stinkin day. For things much greater and more beautiful and uplifting and life-giving and loving and Gospel-driven than my go-to.

And there is hope. Always there is hope. Because on my own, I fail and falter and can't get it right. I am like Paul when he cries out that he knows what he should do and finds himself unable to do it. In himself. And I too have tried fixing this issue myself. I have worked to improve my words and bury my way in exchange for happier moments.

But I fail. I always end up right back where I began with all that I have hidden and buried coming to the surface with sharp and prickly words. That scratch and nick and wound the softest and most sacred places. Places when scarred, remain that way. Even after apologies are made and forgiveness granted.

But the hope of sanctification and transformation and righteous change is in the Lord. And He is faithful. And He is victorious. And He is patient. And He KNOWS our humanity.

And there is this sweet and overwhelming anticipation for the sanctification that is to come in my speech and spirit and habits and "go-to's" and on and on. There is hope.

So, I am praying. For words of life instead of death. For the inclination to love as Christ does with my speech. To avoid stubbornness and harshness to get my way and instead, in light of our most loving Savior, invite sanctification and purity into my prickly moments to love as He has loved.