Let's catch up: part two

The Beginning of the End (of school)

School has been insane this summer.

Insane.

Perhaps my thoughts of taking three classes and it being a breeze were a bit far-fetched. While I am incredibly thankful to be on the other side of it on the downhill slide to graduation, I can't help but be a bit concerned that something like school could throw me like it did.

It was all I could think about, talk about, worry about. It was a season of attempting to simply continue breathing. And it all revolved around school. Library school. How is that real?

On this side, though, there is this giant exhale of relief. Because after a summer which was robbed of all things fun and stuffed to the seams with papers and research and crazy ridiculous expectations, I can still see myself as a librarian.

I see it.

Cardigans and all.

I see the impact I can have. I see the enjoyment in the day to day. I see the students and faculty and community I can affect.

And honestly, that is just huge. It is giant that I am more than halfway done with something I never anticipated starting and I remain eager for the end result.

Because fear has whispered in my ear that this was all for naught. That I couldn't make it through these classes. And that even if I did, I wouldn't really want what was behind door number two.

Fear has slithered its way through every inch of my thoughts and attempted with all its scaly force to lead my heart to doubt.

But my heart is still in it. My excitement is still brimming. And while I know it will fade at times, today I am thankful that it continues to be present. Sitting beside me. Urging me forward. Whispering a tiny bit louder than my fear. That this is real. And it is good. And not to quit.

Library school. Whoowee. Who knew? Did I mention I only have 2 and a half more semesters to go?

This is the beginning of the end (of school). And that is so good.

My current class has me running to the public library each week for really fun books.
 It is seriously fun.  

What if this is my last year?

The above realization brings with it yet another change rushing toward me all too quickly...the end of my time in the classroom. At least as the formal teacher.

The fact that the future does not open itself wide for us to peer in and figure it all out is more than I can handle sometimes.

I love to teach, y'all. I just do. It is in me to teach. I ain't in it for the summer vacation or millions (hyperbole) of holidays.

I love it.

I love the thrill of sharing literature I love day in and day out with my students. I love seeing their minds whirl with new information. I love figuring out who they are during their 7th grade year and allowing them to see me for who I am. I love that I get to laugh and play and enjoy them each day.

I love it.

So the idea that I won't have all of those things just like that for much longer is hard. It's a whole lot of hard. Because I love what I do. And I really feel like at this point in my career, I am somewhat good at it.

But things are a changin. Have you heard?

Soon my day-to-day will look very different. Students will still be a part of that. But not like today. Because today I corrected and encouraged and laughed and greeted and directed and bartered and danced and played and clapped and read and I might have even sang a little. And it was good.

But my future looks a little different. And I am beyond excited for so many pieces of what that day-to-day will look like. But today (and many days since I have entertained the thought of starting this library thing) I am smacked in the face with an urgency to soak up every moment. Every opportunity. Every breath with my students. Because those breaths (at least the kind I have been taking for the past 7 years) are limited in number. They will not always be.

And some days I feel like I am gasping to capture them all. Because I already ache for these days. I already miss them. It's strange, really.

And I wish I had had this perspective since day one. Because it has changed me. It has changed the way I handle things. It has changed the way I talk about school. It has changed the way I see those students who drive me bananas. It just has.

So I guess as I gasp for breath in these final moments, however many I may have, I'll be thankful too. For renewed perspective and for the chance to play a part while I am still there. In B-209. Teaching my little heart out. Because change is good and I am sure of where the Lord has pushed me. He has been ever faithful and constant in his proddings.

But now is good too. And I just really don't want to miss a moment.

My little B-209